I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
