I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
