i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
