my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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