Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
