And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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