girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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