His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize