I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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