Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
