i can't believe i had my finger in that
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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