I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
