Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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