i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
