someone threw a dead crab at me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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