saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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