my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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