i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
