Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
