Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
