i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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