I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
