11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
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