So drunk its hurt
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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