Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
