I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
