I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
