they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
