I should be sponsored by Trojan
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
