You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
