There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
