eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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