you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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