I got chris browned last night
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
