Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
