I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
