Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
