Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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