He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
