Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
