I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
