I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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