Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
