At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
