Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
