oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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