Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
