my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
