forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
