watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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