she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
