ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
