Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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