my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
