remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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