You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
