dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
