She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So much rum. So many feels.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
