the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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